but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
