I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love you. Go after that dick
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize