You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
