his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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