life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
