the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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