Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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