I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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