I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
