I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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