you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
