I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
ttyl tear gas
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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