He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
