that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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