so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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