I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
