Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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