totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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