I'm going to jail i love you
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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