Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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