I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I didn't notice because vodka
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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