I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize