Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
