Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
