he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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