I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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