Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
