he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Life is so much better after having sex.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
