having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
