once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I see more hoeing in ur future
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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