i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
