wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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