Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
pray to the hookup gods
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize