So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
