The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
