We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
