I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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