Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
