As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
