I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
