my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
