I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
