my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
