her vagina looked like bernie madoff
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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