Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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