I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
