i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
