how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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