Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
