God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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