I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
