There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
