He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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