I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
