You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
