I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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