I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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