No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
