No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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