Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize