I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
