Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
